Re: Dead SwatKats.

From: chance <>
Date: Sun, 7 Jan 1996 10:27:00 -0800

>WELCOME to SwatKats University

>Feral - Communications skills
                  Learn how to correctly call for chopper backup.
> Learn how deal with underlings.
> Devlop the respecet of your underlings

                 -How to survive ground-looping a helo.
                 -How to avoid payroll deductions for repetition of same.
                 -Attend the seminar "Get Promoted! Blame Others!" Free TPS blue-suit
                   with every purchase!

>Advanced missle design.

In the first lesson, you will learn how to create missile names that have little or no hope of
being spelled correctly by overseas animators! Each year, winners are awarded the SKU
"Cement Machine-gan" scholarship to continue their studies. Runner-up receives the
"Hanger" award and a neon flashing light that alternates between "read the damn storyboard"
and "shoot....ANOTHER retake...". (also available for extra cost "quick...turn off Castle
Wolfenstein...Seibert's coming down the hall!")

>How to get the most speed from you jet.

This one requires an aptitude test:

1) Which seat do you sit in if you're flying the jet? (side-by-side trainers - extra points!)
2) If you're going to crash, do you:

    a) deliver a macho, heroic line first?
    b) drop your ordnance and fuel first?
    c) tuck that dashboard "Callie" pic in a safe place?
    d) try to make it to Enforcer Hindquarters just to piss off Feral?

3) You've crashed in the past and your only hope of becoming airborne again
     appears to be "make friends with a Pterodactyl". Do you:
     a) give up and stake out the best place for a killer fur-tan
     b) "Use the Unleaded Volcano"
     c) drain the fuel from the ejector seats, Cyclotron and SandKat and dump it in the Turbokat.

>Dogfighting made simple.

Dogfighting 101 will endow you with the necessary skills to:

a) fire three missiles which are guaranteed to fail before settling on a course of action
    that actually works.

b) develop really neat names for what essentially ends up being "warehouse missile", "office tower
     missile" and "outright failure missile".

c) avoid being shot down by dead guys and villains who wear more chains than Mr. T.


Every potential SwatKat must follow the tradition of fine breeding and kat-etiquette espoused
by Razor and T-Bone. Successful applicants will be able to respond appropriately to
Inferior Officers of all ranks in a snide and sarcastic manner, and will know just the right thing
to say to a pretty kat in distress. Pupils who've demonstrated a working knowledge of the
basics will then graduate to "advanced etiquette", and will cover the finer points of laughing with
your mouth full of Nachos, covering your partner with anchovies in a hasty departure to save
Callie, how to bluff your partner into thinking you actually *ate* the last hot pepper, and
the do's and don'ts of proper Cyclotron crashing. Don't be afraid of not knowing *which*
direction to push your tail when sitting down in public...sign up today!

>The goal is to create a SwatKats university. This should be fun. If someone could gather all the responses and possible put into a single document that would be great.

Title 'em all "SwatKats University" and I'll do just that. I'm kinda thinking of doing a
"SwatKats Glossary" to define a few common phrases in uncommon ways. Course, Santa
never gave me "time" under the tree this year...but we'll see.

"Dedicated to the indomitable spirit of the sled dogs that relayed
 antitoxin six hundred miles over rough ice, across treacherous waters,
 through Arctic blizzards from Nenana to the relief of stricken Nome in
 the winter of 1925. Endurance, Fidelity, Intelligence." -- "Balto"

Received on Sun Jan 07 1996 - 14:09:04 PST

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