Satire 1/1

From: Simon Howes <>
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 19:23:37 +0200

Time for a popquiz!

What if: David Pistone was sucked into another reality.
           The Freedom Fighters met the M-team.
           Thaddeus Boyd was called on from the future.
           Uncle Bill and Santa.. uhh Robotnik fought it out?

Okay there everyone, here it is.. my first attempt at humour. I went all the
way out with the: OS; CPU; Caffeine; tail; modem and MacroSlop jokes.

If you are a heavy Windoze supporter.. please read no further.. less your
ego be trimmed, and your limbs get all hacked and nicked.
          David M. Pistone: Sorry man, had to do it.. hope you understand,
                            I had no choice.. hehehehe Hey, while you go
                            about putting this one up on your page, can you
                            see about finding those other two stories of=
                            [RL10.txt and Strick.txt] ADVERTISEMENT!

          Thaddeus Body : This is how *NOT* to write a story. Ohya.. I
                            should be apologizing to your boetie.. urrh
                            little brother.. I ripped him too. hehehe

          Bill Gates : Programmer to programmer, YOU SUCK! ahahaha!
                            Okay, if you are actually reading this, just
                            chill.. don't go sue me now.. why don't you
                            do something cool, like make a ripoff story
                            about me and get it published in that London
                            paper of yours... there.. real revenge.

          Cyruggs : Make a real processor, I'll make a real apology.

          Nintundo : Well, I bought enough bloody games from you not
                            to apologize. There's MBIII over here somewhere.
                            Sorry, this is SEGA fanfic turf, perhaps you
                            can pay me off to write one for your conf.

          Sally Acorn : Too bad, what did you want an emotional scene,
                            where we all cry when you meet daddy? Sorry!

          PERVS: : Sorry guys, no perv scenes, about the best it
                            gets is ropes and a gag. But, perhaps it will
                            excite your sick little minds to know that Sonic
                            AND Sally are tied up.. ooooh KINKY! hehehe

If you have any flames please mail them to :
but if you wanna mail me normal just send to:

Oh ya, what else.. hmmm.. what do I call the story?
Why.. that's so simple.. uh hu hu hu..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -=
                                  Mobian GPF
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -=

David looked over the keyboard again, "DAMNIT! Where did that 'start' button
go to now?" He frantically felt over the keyboard again--it was a new type,
designed especially for Windoze 95C. The human looked underneath the table,
fortunately he was able to locate the piece of plastic. "Oh YES!"

He stuck the button back on the keyboard, "HAHAHA!", then after taking a
moments look--depressed it! But, the signal never reached the CPU, the PC's
internal DataBUS had in fact hung a long time ago--ever since he had loaded
the offensive data into memory.

"DOUGH!" Jamming the HARD-RESET button, he walked off to get some coffie
while the 80386-SX16 processor went about it's task of counting the 32Mb
memory he had on board--the memory he used as a Ramdrive to store all that
"Sonic Mature Material" he had collected up; after all with an MFM drive,
his ownly hope of viewing pictures that century was to load then into 300%
faster DRUM.

In the kitchen he took a moment to look outside, today was going to be a bad
day, already he could see the blue blurr..of a garbage sack, that the=
services had neglected to take away, lying on his front yard. Through the
frosted up window it looked a little less deadly than it really was, but
he knew the fatal truth--soon the tiny bacteria cells in Earth's atmosphere
would begin acting--turning the garbage into a chemical hazard.

<ZOOOW!!> The sound of a laser blast threw David's body limpely up against
a cupboard.. But before he saw stars, he reeled around, "DAMNIT! WHY THE

With that he passed out.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -=

Water molecules in the gaseous phase hovered over the house, the movement
of the two clouds causing electrons to be ripped off--creating a surge of
static electricity. The blue shard of lightning found it's way down to a
pine tree, turning it into a crispy.

David awoke, something furry was exerting a downward pressure on him! He
futily tried to struggle free--but whatever it was, it had him pinned down
with seemingly robotic strength. David wished he could get a better look
at what it was--after all, watching the carpet up close was less than

"Please, get off me!" he begged, "I can't breath, and.. uuh my allergies,
you're killing me!" There was a type of heavy breathing from above him,
almost a type of laughing, then his captor shifted it's weight forward,
causing him to wheeze.

The next minute David Pistone new, something wet and not entirely pleasant,
was brushing over his ear. "ARGGHHH!" In a moment of frantic struggle he
threw it off. "Stupid Bloody DOG!" He glared at his Maltese poodle, it
glared back--until he blinked.

Losing the confrontation he retreated to his computer room, nothing much had
actually happened since he had left. Windoze 3.11111 was still drawing
the Poorgram Manger menu. "DARN" he remarked, and restarted his task of
getting coffie.

Meanwhile inside the digital brain of his Cyruggs processor, little pieces
of silicon where beginning to do non-standard things. It seemed his A20
line had dropped from protected mode, and his Rom Basic was now installed.
Interrupt 21h, had been .. interrupted by the Creative Fabs, Sound Waster
on port 220h.. This had caused the SS and SI to be overshot.

He found himself going for the RESET button again. This time however, the
machine violently defended it's state of laziness--when he pushed the
switch, the entire thing fell back into the casing.

"NOOO!" he violently threw the steaming cup of coffie against the monitor,
the .28 smashed, and the boiling caffeine laden liquid spewed all over the
cathode ray gun. The mixture buzzed, letting out electromagnetic waves
on all frequencies.

The human collapsed onto the floor, tears rolling down his face. "WHY? WHY?

And Zeus decided to humour him, throwing a lightning bolt out of the sky
down onto the electrical lines. The energy went surging through the CRT,
the coffie became vapour, the caffeine became a Uranium isotope, David
reached his half-life. <STEREOTYPE AND PUN>

For the next few moments all he was aware of was static and chaos, and a
whole series of cheap special effects. Oh, yeah, and Dave also did notice
that he was being thrown through a dimensional vortex, some word came to
mind. "Nagus"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -=

When he awoke he was standing in front of a crystal palace, he stared up at
it.. "Wow Dave, that sure is one high palace.. so powerfull.. I wonder what
they call it? The 'Palace of Power?'" He chuckled, then realising that he
was in an alternate reality.. he stopped.

Sitting down on the floor, he wondered to himself.
" #Where am I?
     #Is this palace symbolic of something?
     #Does the palace have Internet?
     #Why am I seeing the Merio Brothers?"

Merio and Loo_ugly, stared at the strange human for a while, there was
something about him that posed a threat. Was it his face, No.. was it his
muscles.. NO WAY! It was the little Blue and White logo he wore on his
shirt, with the letters S*GA.

They hated S#GA, they much preffered Nintundo. Merio was the first to act,
"Hey, SAGA boy, we're gonna jump on your head!"
Dave froze, "Uhhuhuh, huu he he.. um well.."
Loo_ugly began too, "Yeah.. We're gonna make you mushy like lasagna!"
"Umm err well.. he he.. "
The two plumbers waved torque wrenches menacingly at him, while he=
backed up until bumping into something behind him.

Captain-M, drew his gun, "Hey plumber-brothers, Get outta here!"
They did.
Dave faced his savior, "Thanks, you saved my life!"

Kalvin laughed, "Of course, I didn't want anybody breaking you, after all,
I want that honour !"
Again he made whimpering sounds.

() () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () ()=

Inside the palace, Mr Pistone hung harmlessly upside down, SiMan BelGoon,
Kid StickyGUS, VEGAMan, and Princess WhoknowsWhathernameis, made sarcastic

"Hey Kalvin, what if we put him through the time vortex?" Vegaman sneered.
"Naaah, uploading him via 2400 would be cool, but too expensive!"
"Well, what if we put him through the memory waster.."
"Naaaah, the ASAP might bust us, as our copy of DEFR_G is pirated.."
"Hmm.. What if we swap his brain with that of a hedgehog?"
"Yeah, that's Mega cool VEGA-man, but, we don't have any hedgehogs.."
"Darn, well, why don't you just shoot him?"
"Hmm.. that's a cool idea.."

He lifted his gun and aimed it at Dave's head, his eyes blinking with
determination. "NO!" The princess cried!
"For God's Sake, not in the palace! Do you know how messy that will be?"
Vegaman smiled, "I'll clean it up princess!"

Just then David got up some courage, "Hey, I got such a cool plan! Why don't
you give me jet skates, and throw me into the void?"
The princess patted Kalvin on the shoulder, "Please Kalv, he would make
such a great crystal statue for the port'al room..."

Captain-M stopped, "Which room? The one with the port'al to Mobius?"
"Yes, the one on level three, room five, hall two!"
"You mean the one on l3,r5,h2, with Mobius on port'al three and landing
zone right in the middle of Knothole?"
"No the one on l3,r5,h2, with Mobius on three, landing zone-Knothole and
matter translation from Human to Vulpine .."
"Oh *that* one, hey, you're right, he would look cool there! But, he'd look
better the right way up!"

Dave shrugged his shoulders, a miraculous feat while hanging inverted.
"Uuuh, could I have one last request?"
"NO!" They screamed in union.
"But, I just wanted to see where I was going to be staying for the rest
of eternity... you know.. so I can stand right before I turn to crystal.."

SiMan BelGoon butted in, "he's right princess! Crystal Statues are the
absolute fad, but only if they stand the right way."
She looked at the pathetic human, "hmm... you're right.. I mean, it's
not like he's going to jump into a port'al and escape is it?"

- - - - - - - - - - -=

David stood in a peculiar way, SiMan complained. "No No No, You're doing it
all wrong.. Stand like you're a Knight.. No no.. not an Earth Knight, a
starwarrior Knight..."

"Uuhm, excuse me.. But is that port'al in jumping distance of me to Mobius?"
"No Ways! You couldn't possibly jump that far, you'd have to run and jump
into that port'al.."
"Oh.." The human built up some more courage, "Hey look there! It's Mutha


SiMan BelGoon stared at the Port'al, "You mindless dit'zes, you let him get
The princess yelled back, "Go get him.. SiMan!"
"No way! I look absoloutely dreadful with furr.."
"Just go, maybe in a thousand years we'll work out how to turn vulpines
back into humans..."
"No ways princess.. Besides-- there are .. not nice .. things there!"
"Captain-M.. you go!"
"No ways, I'm no good at fighting computers, that'll mean I'll lose.
And I get upset when I lose... it's not game-master like.."
"Kid StickGUS?"
"Okay Princess... NOT!"
"VEGA man?"
"I don't think so your, highness!"
"OH geesh, that's the problem with you men, you're all cowardly!"

They all stared at her, "YOU GO THEN!"
"No ways, I might break a finger nail!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -=
 - -
Notice from Simon: Some nice people from S#ga visited me (with=
and persuaded me not to rip off Sonic and all his wonderful friends,
that is why their real names will be used here. Apparently, the story from
here on will be straight forward.
=-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=
=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=-

David stood up, he felt kind of odd, warmish, furry.. he almost wanted to
hug himself.. uhhmm... maybe he could get someone to do it for him...later.

He took an observation of the proximity, lots of trees, and lots of trees,
he also noted that there were lots of trees around. "Aha" he told himself,
this was Knothole.. how extremely fascinillating.. there sure were a lot
of trees around.

The newly transformed fox walked a bit further, it seemed that he hadn't
popped up in the centre of Knothole--this posed a serious problem, as
there was no chance in whohaay that he'd simply find the place with the help
of some nice citizens directions.

"Okay, David Pistone, you are a cool confident collected individual, how
would you find Knothole.." He dropped to his knees to think.
"What you need to do is find Sonic, then everything will be cool..
But.. how do *I* find him?"

A dragon flew by overhead, almost not catching his attention. He dived up;
keeping his eyes on it; he ran as fast as he possibly could. "DULCY!"
She didn't notice, he ran faster. "DULCY!" Still no response, he pushed
himself to the maximum limit. "DULCY!! HEYYYY HEREE!"
Not looking at the floor he fell into a pool of water, the dragon flew
on without noticing him.

David choked bitterly as he climbed out of the crystal fluid, his only
hope now was that Knothole was near. He spun around to look at the pool
again--he could almost see Rotor, Sonic and Tails getting a power ring from

Of course! This pool had to be the power ring pool! And if it was.. Knothole
was not very far off. But he knew one thing--he himself had once even said
it.. Knothole was so well hidden, you could get lost
just meters from the path. Right now he had two choices--wait until Sonic
came to collect a power ring, or try his luck scouting for the village.

He decided on the former, sitting down on a fallen log, his mind began to
wonder... When he did eventually find the freedom fighters--what then?
What could he do for them? Why would they want an outsider like him?
What could he tell them? What if they didn't accept him?

There was a crackling from somewhere in the forest near him--someone or
something was coming. Instinctively he did a motion--that had he been
human, would have straightened his jacket.

The voices got louder, he could now make out Tails talking.
Soon they stopped in front of him, Sonic being the first to talk.
"Who are you?"
But only stunned whimpers could come from David, hot flushes went through
his body; he tried to loosen his collar--but found out he didn't have one.
He tried to take a deep breath, but instead all he could summon was a short
ventilation. "Uhhmm.. uuh.. Hi?"
The hedgehog stepping closer was badly percepted by the new-fox, as bad
body circulation resulted in image warbling.

He fainted.


A middled aged raccoon spoke to Sonic, "He's fainted!"
"I guess you surprised him, either that or he's another of your crazy=
Tails blinked.

David began groaning into awakeness; Sonic started, "You all right?"
Still lying on the floor and his voice limited came a soft reply, "..Yes.."
"What happened?"
"Um uhhrr.. I felt dizzy.." The fox blushed.
Bookshire began, "Who are you?"
David, now more online; turned his head to face the raccoon; looked at him
oddly--his eyes over-expanded; Sonic helped him up.
David on his feet immediately started to Bookshire, "Is your name=
Bookshire Draftwood?"
"You know me?"
"Oh yes.." Then turning to Tails, "and you are Miles.. Miles Prower.. but
you prefer to be called.. "
"Tails" the cub unioned.
Finally stopping his eyes on Sonic, "And you are Sonic.. Sonic the=
"That's me.. now who are you?"

"Oh," he began automatically, "I'm David Pistone... but most of my friends
call me Book.." He remembered the raccoon.
"Book?" asked the hedgehog curiously.
"Ahuum,.. BookKeeper.. but.. umm... you can call me.. David... yeah..=
"Oh, I don't know, I kinda like BookKeeper." Smirked the hedgehog.

They all grabbed him before he could fall again. "Uuh, thanks.. Sometimes
happens..must be the humidity and all.."
Bookshire looked oddly at him, "How did you get here?"
This was the part he'd dreaded, he just froze pathetically. Trying to think
of what to say.
If I tell them some lie, it might catch up to me. But will they really=
that I'm from Earth? What if I tell them I'm an escaped spy, with=
on Robotniks plans? That could work, I'd be important then..

Bookshire's fingers waved by his eyes, "You Okay?"
"Uh yes.. Um.. Oh how I got here.. Well.. umm.."
Sonic butt in, "You lost?"
"Well.. kinda.. but I'll find my way just now.."
The raccoon stopped him, "I don't think you will!"
He almost choked, were they on to him? "uuhuhuh, why not?"
"There's no way, if you keeping fading out like that."

His sigh of relief was noted, again Bookshire inquired. "Are you all right?"
David lost his nerve, "Help me! I don't come from this planet!"
The three freedom fighters looked at one another oddly, "What!?!"
His voice steadily increasing in speed, "I come from the planet Earth, where
I'm a human, I came here through a port'al.. and it changed me to this!
I know all you because.." A cold sweat ran over him, "I can't tell you how..
but I just do.. I also know a lot of information about Robotnik.."

Again, reality began darkening, Sonic caught him out of his descent, however
this time a bit too late--the fox was out cold. Again.

David awoke with a prickling agony in his left arm, he quickly tried to sit=

up, but something metallic stopped him; It was Bunnie's arm, and Bookshire
had just injected him with something.
"Arr.. What in the blue-blazing null carrier DTR setting, pulse-width
modulating phreaking, digital realm's hell is that!?!"
Bookshire however stayed collected, "David, how do you feel?"
"uuh.. Okay I guess.."
"Now, why do you think you passed out?"
"uuuhmm... well.. you see.. umm.. just a bit too much excitement I guess.."
"I see.. now David.. What you told us before you.. fainted .. Is that true?"
The fox paused; the raccoon who understood this--motioned Bunnie to leave
them; then used a soft comforting voice.

"David.. It's allright you can tell me.."
"Okay.. well, I might was well tell you my life story. It began when I=

                         **Really Boring Tick Tocks**

Somewhere else in the forest there was a type of corny-shlurping noise,
sounding like something out of a cheap monday afternoon cartoon with moral's
at the end. The cause of this was a human coming through the port'al,
instantly with a flash his body became a vulpine. A few seconds later,=
body came through... this time a female..the vulpine converter seemed to=
no difficulty coping with her either. (Unlike some things that error back to
DOS just because you save to an impossible file name.. <DEW 5.1>)
A few seconds later another body, then another, and then finally a robot.

They all stood around their leader, now a vulpea-vulpea (Red-fox), he lifted
a squarish box up--from it came beams of *really* bright light. The light
blinded all the boiwdies and beez for about two kilometers around, before
it finally died.

And when it did, it revealed, the M-Team--back in their original glory.
Kalvin was the first to speak, putting in a line that would excuse how they
got technology so quickly. "Wow! This is great, I'm so glad that=
came over.. hey princess?"
"Sure thing Kalvin, we were so lucky that he had the plans for one of these
reverse-o-matic-vulpea-human-human-vulpea-molecular-restructurers around!"
Vegaman butt in, in his normal croaking voice, "We were so lucky that the
duplomatic was compatible with his computer.. your highness."
The princess smiled, "Sure thing Vegaman, hey.. Kalvin, let's go.. It's
going to be night soon, and I really want a new pillow!"

** ** ** **

Back on Earth drops of coffie lost their state of high energy, the little
electrons dropping back to their standard orbit. It was then that something
amazing happened.. the data bus of the machine had a current induced into
it by an electromagnetic fluctuation brought on by cooling caffeine. This
surge caused the CPU to stop waiting on port 388h (Adlib); Windoze for
LurkGroups (almost) blazed back into life.

The screen began acting strange too, a layer of sugar had formed over the
hole in the glass, and all the air molecules had been teleported off to
Nintundo land. The result of this was that the screen began to regain it's
functionality.. the sugar acting as glass.. the caffeine acting as phosphor.
(believe me.. caffeine *Will* do that.. I mean MASA don't let astronauts
take coffie with them.. there has to be a reason!)

The 3.11 Logo came onto the screen, though it was not the standard one,=
had long ago changed that when he found out he could save with WINGUF to=
The result of this.. a piccy of Sonic displayed on the screen, though it
was only in sixteen colour, but that didn't matter, as his display crOAK
display card only ran in 640X480X16 anyway.

** ** ** **

David stood firmly up as Princess Sally paced in an orbital around him,
Sonic, Bookshire and Rotor stood on the side--patiently waiting for some
Sally continued, "Well, David do you have any special abilities?"
The fox's courage had increased now, "Yes.. I know a lot about the future,
and umm.. well oh yeah.. when I drink coffie I can go on.. working on the
computer all NIGHT!"
"So you're good with computers?"
He thought of his puny 386, "Yes, considering that I can get Sting Commander
three to run on my system.. I would say so.."

Sally's mind boggled, perhaps what they had was someone who could learn the
tricks from Bookshire, then execute them mid-mission. It was very tempting,
the possibility of being able to hack systems without either sneaking
the raccoon in, or risking the danger of being tracked when hacking by
remote; but she needed proof.
"Can you show us how fast you type?"
"Uuh. sure.."

Inside Rotor's hut he typed frantically at the keyboard, looking intensily
at it, Sonic, Sally and Bookshire made noises in awe, until finally he
stopped--out of breath.
The only problem David had, was while he could type fast, what he had typed
had merely been a load of crep, the new orientation of his fingers had been
a prime factor of this new language he'd invented.
"Oooow.. I miss my pinkie." he complained.

The hedgehog stared at him oddly, "What's a pinkie?"
"Well" he began informatively, "it's like another finger.."
Sonic lifted his gloved hand to his face oddly,
"Another finger? That would be so.. so.. eeeeyyooww gross!.."

Rotor patted the fox on the shoulder,
"well, maybe after we give you some coffie?"
"Well, you shouldn't count on caffeine to make stuff grow, or enlarge."
"No, I mean.. your typing.."
"Oh yeah, almost forgot.. Okay.. let's do that then.."

The walrus collected a tin from the back, it was unusually light, and he=
found out why. It was empty. He looked around for some more, but found that
he was all out of instant coffie. "Oh well" he sighed, "Guess I'll just
have to give him *percolated* coffie.."
He took some choice selected coffie beans, stuffed them in the grounder,
squeezed them till near fusion, then started up the machine. (It was petrol
operated.. and had a lawnmower engine, maximum power for extracting the
maximum caffeine content.)

"Here you go" he smiled, passing the fox the steaming mug;David quaffed it.
In a moment the chemical took effect on his body--there was a deep rumbling
that shook the ground; a slight spasmatic attack that propelled the mug
into the wall.. and then finally.. David let out a soft burp.

The freedom fighters sighed in relief;the fox sat down, typing slightly=
but his spelling and grammatic ablities incredibly boosted.
Sonic whined, "NOOOO!"
Sally stopped him, then continued on to the former human, "Uhhm David,
maybe there's something else you can do?"
Again the impatient hedgehog butt in, "hey.. what about him for lookout...
after all.. it's not like he's ever going to sleep again.. not this decade!"
David rotated his head, "hey, that's a cool idea... when do I start?"
Sally looked at the hedgehog queerly, waiting for some comment.
Sonic offered it, "what about now.. let's go!"

With that David slowly climbed out of his chair; walked even slower to the
door; watched Sonic zip out, and then.. zipped out next to him, pulling a
mean speed of 660M/s. His HIKE_AIRS just weren't prepared for these vectors,
they burst into flames sending him jumping around at mach-2 in agony.
It was then that Sally saw for the first time in her
life the extreme potence of high octane carbonized beans.

Sonic stopped him, "Whoa.. Dave! That's amazing.. I wonder how long it will
last for?"
"Caffeine highs can last between three to eight hours!"
"Wow! That's amazing!" Then facing back to Sally--who had come running to
them when they stopped, he began, "hey Sal.. whatdya think? The guy's=

** ** ** ** <Wow! these ** patterns would be compressed with LZW!>

Robotnik slammed buttons on the panels violentely, "SNIVELY TELL ME.. WHY IS
The subservient stepped forward,
"w..w.ww well sir.. I think it might have something to do with the=
"The terminals?"
"Sir, while you designed them brilliantly two years ago.. technology does
change.. you see sir 2400 modems.. just aren't fast enough anymore."
"Strange.. 2400 Gigabits a second seems more than sufficient to me."
"Well um sir.. you see.. it seems a group of freedom fighters are using
a new type of their own.. and.. it's <GULP> uuhmm bette.. has a higher
transfer rate.."
"Yes.. tell me more."
"Well sir.. they seem to have error correction too, it's called V34ditz, and
um, well sir.. they also have compression.. it's called MNOP5.. and sir..
their baud rate.. is well <FRANTIC LAUGHS> 9600."
"WHAT?!? I don't want to be the only one in the neighbourhood who has to
wait while I download! I hope for your sake you've done something!"

The human stepped forward proudly, "Yes sir.. my system runs at 14.4Gbs..
I call it the US robotnik!" [NANANA CORNY!]
"Brilliant Snively! I'm glad I thought of it, but the question is.. will it
be able to connect to existing terminals?"
"Of course, the US robotnik is fully downward compatible!" [WISH THEY WERE]
"But Snively, will it be easy to install and configure?"
"Of course, it's the half card internal solution! And thanks to the Ess
registers.. it's easy to configure!" [IF U LIKE SCANNING BOOKS AT 2:00AM]
"But what if I don't have a technical guide handy when I need to setup one?"
"Oh sir! That's what the Sportstar is for, it automatically configures=
and can save setting to an onboard EPROM!" [Prob:Settings always booga up]

"Ha ha Snively, sometimes my genius astounds me! Now.. call dispatch and
send me up a prisoner.. I feel good!"
"Uhuhuh" frantically laughed the human, "sir.. we haven't had prisoners in
"What!?! Call Packbell, he'll get us some." then in a softer type of
whimpering, "Packbell always does.."

The android was caught unaware when the screen flicked to him, at the time
he was monitoring inter-dimensional waves. He reeled around angrily,
"AAAR, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU.. oh, Hello.."
Robotnik grinned, "Packbell my boy, we seem to have run out of..=
"Well, send Snively to get some, there's a village marked on my notepad."
"What?!? You haven't got them yet?"
"No.. I've been too busy studying jump traces.. it seems that four humanoids
and one robot have entered our world..."
"Humans! Packbell--get them! I haven't tortured humans since..." he stared=
Snively who began backing off "... since.. yesterday!"
The android acknowledged.
From inside the control centre, the overlords nephew's head hitting the wall
like a ping-pong ball caused the entire structure to resonate.

** ** ** **

"How much further SiMan?" whined the Princess.
"Oh, not much your highness, SiMan Belgoon never gets lost!"
"That's notacus!" complained StickyGUS, "are you forgetting about the
timicus in Clutsovania?"
"Oh that?" he laughed, "I was just a little bit confused.."
"Simanius.. we had to begicus directions..."


The princess mottioned them to keep quite, "Quite guys, somebodies coming!"
"SiMan Belgoon is a master of invisibility.."
"Sure, now just keep quite!"
"I can blend right into the background.."
"Great just *keep* quite!"

The group members each hid behind a tree.

** ** ** **

Tails walked unknowingly on, Sally following some distance behind him, using
the excuse she always did to keep an eye out on him--that she needed a walk.
As the cub turned past one of the trees, there was a muffled whimpering=
and he dissapeared. Sally ran towards the spot, and in an instant was
facing SiMan Belgoon--his whip wrapped around her waist.

"Aaah, how nice of you to join us.." he boasted.
"Who are you?!?"
"SiMan Belgoon.." he bowed, " your service!"
Kalvin felt a bit left out so he also added an advert, "..of the M-team!"

SiMan, yanked his whip, causing Sally to unwind in the lamo style like in
cheap cartoons. She landed on the ground, looking up at Captain-M; Who was
holding Tails.

He dropped the fox cub next to her, and then the human princess took over.
She walked to Kalvin, who had his gun trained on the furries, and pointed
at Tails. "Kalvin, he'll do just perfect! Look at that warm cuddly fur!"
SiMan took a large skinning-knife out of his (seemingly) bottomless=

Sally cuddled Tails, warding them off, "Leave him alone! He's only a cub!"
"What?!?" asked the other princess.
SiMan wasted no time in pulling out a dictionary and stealing the moment,
"A cub--young member of a series of species groups, including bears, wolves
foxes, lions.. and also a shortened word used to describe an aircraft.."
She patted him on the stomach, "I know that, but what I want to know.."
turning to Tails, "are there any adults of your kind?"

The two freedom fighters were shocked, so SiMan had to put an answer in
instead, "..of course there are.. they obviously come from a primitive
Kalvin finished by picking up the fox and pointing his gun at him, "and you,
are going to take us there? Right?"
Sally shuddered in silent fear.

** ** ** ** **

When they came into the village, chaos began to assert itself. The human
princess beginning the pillow selection process.
She looked at Antoine, nope not cuddly enough.
She looked at Jason, nope his skin had too many injuries on it.
As she headed towards David, Sonic abruptly butt in.

"Hey, just a Sonic sec, what's going on here?"
Captain-M looked at him, and smiled.
"Hey princess, do you mind if we bring him back with us?"
"Okay Kalvin, but you know the rule with pets.."
It was then that SiMan remembered the SAGA fan who had been turned into a=
he whispered something into Kalvin's ear.

Kalvin then picked up Sally like a wet tea-towel, holding his blaster to her
head, "Okay, there's someone here who joined you a while ago.. who?"
Sally stared into David's eyes, "I won't tell you!"
She was a matyr or whatever they were called, Dave thought to himself, a few
moments later he found out she wasn't the only one--as he admitted that he
was the one.

With that, the M-Team selected their souvenirs, the princess took well, the
princess. The game-master took the faster-game-master. Vega man, took the
Mega-walrus. Kid StickyGUS, though that Tails would do nicely for archery.=

SiMan Belgoon really wanted to take the CyberBunny, but ended up taking
David for the human princess instead.

"Okay!" Smiled Kalvin, as the ropes were looped around their captives,=
get back to the telezone!"
And that they did, trampling through the bushes.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Simon Howes typed deperately at home on his computer, it seemed for some
reason that his mind was losing it's normal ability to generate fractal
stories. He loaded another personality--ten minutes later he began to peel
himself of the ceiling with a spatula.

He then went onto his favourite BBS, hoping to kill some time, the result,=
got Chromatiks II diskmag. Yay, now he had the ability to play. BTM.S3M,
"behind that mask".. well.. now Simon was depressed even more.

He dialed the BBS, and it wasn't engaged. "YES!" he smiled, as he shaked a
clenched fist, but uncle Murphy laughed, for the BBS just kept on ringing.
Perhaps Rebecca was scared her little computer would get hurt by the=
from the storm that was now sweeping over the city.

Simon looked at the clock above his monitor 11:59, the room seemed to have
a frightening ambience--the storm had a hole in it.. just for him--just
large enough to brighten his house so that the screen could get a horrid
reflection on.

The song, played a flute, a sadish flute.. Well.. well.. that is the thread
of destiny. And Simon continued to define the alternate realm.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Walking through the misty forest, Kalvin was one of the first to notice the
movement ahead. In the diffused light, something pranced about.
A few seconds later it had vanished, Sonic's comments didn't.
"Swat-bot! Get outta here!"

SiMan laughed, "Please Hedgehog, the M-team fears nothing!"
"It's going to contact more of them!"
"Oh, shut up!"
"Trust me, it will!"
With that the human got some sticky tape out of his backpack and gagged him.

The walked for about half an hour more, until finally the jump-zone was in

It was then that Kalvin saw the army of robots assembled to attack him!
He drew his pistol, searching for a target. He found one, a humanoid.
Packbell laughed, "Please, put that down.." The swat-bots armed their=
and the android spoke again, this time slowly putting emphasis on every
syllable. "There.. is .. no .. way .. you .. can .. escape.. "

The game-master smiled, "Sorry!"
He pulled the trigger, a corny 2-operator-FM-sound emmanated from the=
and.. that was all. He made a softish laughing sound, as the teams of=
jumped down amongst his team and captives, tying one captive to one=

** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Back at Robotropolis, they sat waiting their fate. They were in a large=
room with a stage about 2 meters high. Robotnik stood gloating on it, making
comments on how they were going to be robotocized. After ten minutes, he
left them alone as he went to prepare the robotocizer for their arrival.

Sonic moved his splines a bit, trying to make it as uncomfortable as=
for Kalvin who was tied to his back. The human, in turn responded with an
insulting comment.
The human princess began next, "VegaMan, help! I don't want to.."
He croaked, "Sorry your highness, I can't get free..."
"Well, it's not like you've got anything to lose.. you're a robot!"
They began arguing, David moaned... this was not the way he wanted to end
his organic functioning.
"STOP IT!" he commanded, "We're all in trouble, we're all going to get
robotocized, and all you can do is fight!"
The quieted.
He continued, "For goodness sake, we're all similar. Look, we got two hero's
tied back to back, each one taking on a mega-techno-enemy. Two-princess's,
who have had their fathers sent into a void where mirrors and crystals seem
to have odd properties. Two mega techno-strong dudes, two fly guys.. hey..
and we've got two mindless morons who mumble on."
He felt slightly honoured that he was being compared to the blithering idiot
he was tied to--SiMan Belgoon.

"Now, are we going to work together?"
It was a stupid question, of course they were.. whether they liked one
another or not--they liked the idea of being a slave less than bad company.

After a good deal of struggling, which involved them making a human.. well..
person pyramid, to position Tails so he could rampage through
SiMan's backpack--looking for a knife or something sharp to cut them free,
they were quite humoured.
1 live chicken, a watermellon, inflatable bike, coin press, acme anvil,
and finally an electric bread cutter.

The group that was all supporting StickyGUS and Tails sighed in relief, as
they cut the rope around SiMan and David. SiMan fell back, David too,
something flew out of Belgoon's backpack... a shiny toroid..

"MmmPPWWER MRRINGG!" Sonic tried to spit out through the gag he still had=
Sally after getting free removed it. A few minutes later they were all free.
Sonic picked up the Power-Ring, "Hey Si? Wheredya get this?"
"Oh that, I found it in this pond.."
"Way cool, let's cruise."

"Wait!" butt in the human princess,
"we need the matter-translater--it's the only way we can get home again."
"Robotnik!" commented Sally.
The hedgehog looked worriedly, "Okay.. I'll get it!"
Captain-M looked oddly, "Hey, we still have to get out of here!"

David gave his strategic mind to them, "What if we break into two teams,
collect a laser for you.." he motioned Kalvin, "get some percolated for=
"And.." he motioned Sonic, "get the translator.."

They all agreed that the teams would be mixtures of M and Freedom Fighters,
that way neither side would have to worry about any (Brutus) backstabbing.

The teams were as follows:

A-Team: Sonic , Princess of Prowler , Tails , Vegaman, David.
B-Team: Kalvin, Princess Sally , StickiGUS, Rotor , SiMan.

It was decided that the A-team would collect the matter translator and
the high octane fuel, while the B-team would get a laser-rifle or two, and
clear a way out of the base--while providing a distraction for the A-team.
There were two doors in the room, each team took a door, not knowing whether
they would see their friends in the other team again.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

A lone swat-bot was most abruptly suprised as a whip wrapped itself around=
however, though it was "shocked", the whip did little more than leave an
unpleasant smell on it's 15Cm of titanium armour.
"Ohh dear", remarked SiMan as it trampled towards him. Kalvin looked at the
metallic beast, hah, too easy, too easy, he was a gamemaster. He smiled,
placing one finger on the gamepad on his belt. "Hey.. ugly over here!"
The robot turned to face him as he jammed the button, once again another
cruddy FM sound was heard and no physical effect or magical graphics were

Kalvin backed up towards a wall, bumping his spine into a pipe. The robot
came closer, and closer, giving him a real idea of what it felt like to be
freedom fighter--shit scary. Suddenly the robot stopped, the whip still
attached around it's waste, and it's 'arms' still pinned to it's side, it
dropped like a christmas beetle to the ground. Sally smiled, holding the
smoking rifle... the same rifle it dropped when it had been hit by the whip.

                               ** ** ** ** **
A thousand billion light years away under the solar warmth that sometimes
dared to penetrate the clouds that hung over the little piece of land
jutting out of the blue water, past the trees and the wrecked buildings,
over forests, and over destroyed dreams. Thaddeus Body screamed, of all=
that patch of Ablaters.. that Sonic patch.. that .. that.. oh.. Sonic and
Tails had beaten him again, making his Doom nightmares even worse, hey he
used to feel tough, strong and macho when he had a shotgun. But thanks to
the power of DEHACKED, the hedgehog could run a circle around him in the
time he took between shots. "I hate that hedgehog" he muttered, his brother
laughing in the background "Crappy Sonic.. Crappy Sonic."

It was about then that he decided he needed a drink of nice cool refreshing
orange juice, though, seeing it was winter.. imitation Noros would have to
do instead. He stood up, and noticed the strain on his legs once more, damn,
doom always did that to him, ammong other things he was shivering. The
standard effects of forgetting to eat while playing computer games. He
walked through into the kitchen to see someone had left the cold water
bottle out of the fridge. Damn, it was standard practice for his younger
brother to abandon the thing when it was out of water. "DAMNIT.. IF SOME

He opened the fridge, at least the 30 milli-litres of Noros would be cold,=
poured the horrid fluid into a cup, poured some warm water from the tap
into his cup and reeled at it. "Oh.. need icecubes."
He opened the freezer to see an odd looking icecube, unlike the others
it was glowing green.. strange he thought to himself as he picked it up,
maybe his brother had been freezing Jello again. Geesh, of all things, he
hated it when the little runt started shoving stuff in the freezer, it
seemed to be a metal disorder induced by watching too much "Toiwminator II."

However when he pulled the green cube out, he began to consider the fatal
possibility that it wasn't a standard drink coolant, nor a frozen dessert
ingredient. The stone glowed wierdly, emmanating a sort of light. He looked
around, nobody was watching him, so he slipped it into his pocket and
retreated to the safety of his "den."

Inside he placed it on the table and examined it, it was perfectly square,
on the left side there were three buttons, marked: "BITEND,BYTEEND,HIGH."
Making no logic of it he began to ponder how it would do at cooling his
drink, suddenly a fizzle of light appeared above it. Sparking in golden
aura's of mystery. Out of it formed an image.. it was a human, wearing a
SEGA shirt.

The hologram spoke, "Thad, I don't have much time to explain, I think=
billing my account, and Mobius is DAMNED far. But well.. because the
communications service is so good here, you are getting this message before
I actually send it. Now listen well, press all three of the buttons on
this thing, it will teleport you to Mobius. When you arrive, remember,
you have to stop Sonic from using his power ring.. otherwise we are all
going to be soup."
The image began to fade away, leaving Thad very, very, very.. confused.

** ** ** ** ** **
Something ran over the cruddy monitors display before the human could figure
out exactly what it was. He managed to look up in time to see a graph
whizz by, whatever it was.. it meant danger.

Bill knew that this would oneday come, and now he had no choice, he
would have to go out in combat.. like a programmer. He was born a programmer
and he would die one. And the will that inspired him was simple--an insult,
someone had dared to crash Windoze 95 (Mobian Release)!
Something he couldn't tolerate... no it was simply unacceptable.. and=
was to blame would pay dearly.
Uncle Gates, slapped his MacroSlop jacket on, donned his GLOCK and pumper,
copied tetris-pro onto a CD and headed for the port'al room.

He passed armed imperial macroslop guards as he went, they saluted him--he
was more of a coder then they. At the centre of the wall stood the glowing
cyan spawner. It was shaped like a window, with four coloured squares=
of glass, each of these squares took the user to another direction. And if,
the user became stuck at any time, he could simply pull down the easy to
read online help.
Someone stood behind the teleport control machine, saluting he threw the
switch, turning the coloured port'als into windows, each one seeing out into
another kingdom. He pranced through the hole and appeared in Mobius.

As he touched the floor he though to himself how odd it was, last time he=
been here, that was when that Acorn chap ruled, things were so much=
The street where he stood was more grassy, less tarry, and the sky was a
good deal more blue. "Well Acorn" he thought to himself, "it's an=
change." He still remembered the king, perhaps he would stop by and get some
coffie, after all they were good friends. Macroslop had coded Mobius's
most succesful auto city defence software.


** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Thad ran through Robotropolis, a series of SWAT-bots following him. In the
excitement he had forgot to bring any sort of weapon, though he did have
an umbrella.. but then again 10CM of stainless steel armour usually didn't
get pierced by atmosphere manipulator systems. A laser crashed down behind
him, causing him to feel a surge of power like no other, he was now
running at a rate he never would have believed possible. The thought crossed
his mind about SWAT-bot's as athletic coaches.. but he wasn't about to ask

In the distance stood a man in a "I love Windoze" jacket, he seemed to
be oblivious to the oncoming danger. Thad screamed with all his might,
Bill rotated his body, shotgun drawn. Shortly Thad after noticing it was
pointing at him, stopped, the robots gaining in the distance.
"Hey.. I'm on your side.. just lookout for those.. SWAT-BOTS!!"

A lone robot stood in front of them, Thad cowered behind the shotgun holder.
Bill twisted his face to the side, "Help."
The machine stood there, almost curious to his command.
The human's eyes suddenly glowed red with anger,
He reeled shot after shot at the machine.

** A bruising half an hour later **

Stainless steel armour was stronger than lead, the two realised as Robotnik
grinned at them through the glass. They were in separate robotocizers, the
cylinders already lowered. Julian laughed, evily, "Tell me.. Mr Gates.. you
know I always have wanted to ask this question.. what happens if you defrag
while you are in Windoze 3.1111?"
"Oh.. only a moron would do something like.."
The man in red's facial expression showed who the Moron had been.
Bill quivered, "of course, I mean.. that is a little bug.. really isn't it?"
"Yes.. indeed it is.. indeed it is.. now tell me dear young Todd.. or
whatever your name was.. have you ever played Doom?"
He tried to suck up, "Yeah.. and I got this way cool Sonic patch, from
Simon Howes in South Africa.. IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! And..well you shoot Sonic
and Tails.. like a lot.."
"Simon can wait till later, besides I can't teleport him here as his
AND-DX40 interferes with the teleporter. Now.. about this doom, were you
ever amazed by the texture mapping? Did you enjoy the thrill of shooting,
killing, and racing around virtual complexes? Did you ever think it was the
best program you ever saw?"

Bill in the other chamber lifted his glasses slightly, "honestly, such
incompatible DOS4Gee_W programs, I just don't see how you can enjoy them.."
"SHUT UP!" unisoned the two.
"Now" put in Robotnik, "won't you be happy to see IP's Quack?"
"Good, well.. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO!" he burst into uncontrolled laughter,
nearly falling over at times. "GOODBYE!"

He clicked the button in and walked out of the room, the SWAT-Bots could
take care of the rest. Besides, he had better things to do.. like play
Epit's ZZZT.

As the robotocizer began powering up, Thad looked over to Bill.
"You damned moron, this is all your fault! WINDOZE CO-ORD!"
A yellow beam came down over him, then Bill, he knew he was doomed, as was
Sonic, for nothing could stop him using the Power-Ring now.

Something happened, as the robotocizer scanned Gates, it detected the silver
CD in his pocket, it frantically read it, and uploaded it to the system for
study. The machine stopped, still in scan phase, and the glass shrouds
lifted, letting the still organic beings out. Thad saw the message
"Unable to find vbrun300.dll" on the one display.
Bill mumbled a comment about sloppy harddrive management.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
As Sonic dived at a SWAT-bot in his full rotational fury, it suddenly=
out it's way. He ended up half a second later on the floor, spitting out
pieces of cement. As for the SWAT-bot.. it was strangely offline. The team
walked on, finding every single robot in the entire structure .. powerless.
It was easy to get the matter-translater, Robotnik was far to busy slamming
the keyboard in anger to notice the hedgehog creep in.

David got his cup of coffie with great ease too, though now there was=
to try it out on. The team met safely at the main gate. Sonic embraced=
but suddenly stopped. "Sal.. do *you* hear that?"
She pricked her ears up, in the far off distance she could hear something,
a type of crackling.. no a type of.. CHEERING! Robotocized citizens=
had broken their bonds, and were trashing the factories in which they=
"Hey, Sal.. wait here.. I'm gonna check it out."

Thaddeus dived into vision, pulling the power-ring out of Sonic's hand=
he could use it. The resulting forces however threw the human face down onto
the floor. Sonic walked over to the stunned figure, "hey buddy, what's the
"No.. no.. power-ring.. no power-ring.. don't use it.. was warned by time
transport.. don't use this ring.."
His tired body lapsed into sleep.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

He awoke three weeks later, though when he looked up, he saw the strangest
thing. Above him was a wooden ceiling, a beautiful wooden ceiling. Around=
stood Sonic and Sally, as well as someone wearing a crown. He smiled at the
human, "Thankyou boy.. for your courage has saved us all."
"Whe.. where am I? Who.. who.. are you?"
"You.. are in the second royal palace, and I am the King, King Acorn."
His eyes grew large in amazement, "I though the palace was destroyed.."
"It was.. but you don't get to my age by being stupid, I always considered
I might need a second concealed castle, just in case the wife started began
on of those.. most embarassing divorce suits.."
Thad stood up to stare out the window, outside the free mobians, who by
the looks of it were derobotocized, were beginning the hard task of
rebuilding their garden city. They were succeeding too. "How?"
David stepped over to him, laughing, "when windoze hangs, it takes the
whole network with it. Robotnik even had his power stations running of
the Gateway, when that crashed, he couldn't even reboot."
"Where is Bill now?"
"Oh.. well after he.. err.. expressed his irritation, with a GLOCK to
Robotnik, he went back to Earth. It seems that he was rather ticked that
Ivo errored out Windoze 95."
"He shelled to MS-DOG to run ZZZT."
"So.. " he smiled, "it was his own passion for adventure that destroyed=

The king smiled, "Indeed it was, and it has cost him dearly.. but that no
longer matters friends, for now is a time for a grand feast."


And so our story ended, with the M-team pushing off with their matter
translator, David decided to stay on Mobius, rather than risk having to get
a.. [fox/dog?] license for himself from the SPCA. Thaddeus however, decided
that though the world he was born on sucked, it was his destiny. And now the
forces of evil had been banished here.. he could return home and sleep
peacefully, knowing the onslaught was over, and that never again, forces
of such evil would tear a planet.

Of course, Bill was hailed a Mobian hero, they named a day after him, a day
where everybody painted their windows in different colours. It was called
the day of the write-back-cache.

Back on Earth the human genius rolled in his earnings from the Macroslop
products, but something he detected was wrong.. every day, there were more
OasiS/2 users. Every day.. someone would write him into a satire. The humans
couldn't accept their fate, he looked over a machine he had acquired, that
now rested in his television room. He stroked the glass cylinder smoothly,
and spoke softly to himself, "The users, will just have to be made more
efficient.. won't they Bill."

                          And that is what he did.

                                   The End.
                        A Free Mobius= A Phreaked Earth.
                       Okay, here are the crappy morals:
  Even though the two teams were different species, they managed to work
   together. Why then should we be racist?
  Love Conquers All, King Grayhum.
  Never, never, never.. try taking on a SWAT-Bot in unnarmed combat.
  Don't bother posting David any web-stories, he doesn't live on Earth
   anymore, and Mobius has CompuSurf. (Well, that the impression *I* got)
  Do not expose percolated_coffie to a naked flame!
  Do not freeze Jello.
  Chill, loosen up, grow some fur and a cute tail, then move the hell of
   this sphere of shit we're on.
                             Ablater's FAQ list
Q. Why mustn't Sonic use the power ring?
A. Urrm, well actually.. urrm.. ohya.. SiMan got jam on it while it was in
   his backpack, this would have affected the DNA recognition of the ring,
   blowing the little dude into a coupl'a'billion_pieces.

Q. If he nuked, how did David send a message from the future?
A. Urrmm.. well.. oh yah.. David was still on a coffie high, and was able
   to outrun the photons, to read the Eudoma manual and mail Thad.

Q. How did the green-icecube end up in Thad's freezer?
A. uhuhuh.. geesh.. How the hell am I susposed to know that? I ONLY MAKE THE

Q. How would I got about getting a alt.sonic.die.die.die list?
A1.You again, I though I had you taken care off..
A2.Phone that nice lady (Anne) and tell her about your deep intentions,
   she will give you a santa-like costume to wear. Put it on, grow and
   orange mustache, and pay Me, Thad, Linds_E, Dan, Shawn, or Brad a visit.
A3.While running Windoze, start recording a wave file, shell to an old HD
   defragger, and defrag your Harddrive.. if you can recover it from that
   you can do *ANYTHING*
.. Who dares take a shovel to the soils of their heart?

Received on Mon Nov 27 1995 - 13:15:52 PST

This archive was generated by hypermail 2.3.0 : Thu Mar 19 2015 - 12:17:03 PDT